Twenty Three Years...

It will be twenty three years in June. Wow! I am only semi-inspired to blog about it, but I choose to because I don't want to forget this exact moment. Twenty three years was the last time I saw a friend who I adored and who crushed my heart, and I was never really sure why. It was the deepest heart break I have sustained. I guess that makes me very fortuante. This friend and I journeyed through junoir high and high school together..and were practically inseparable. We experienced pimples, driver's ed, school dances, proms, student council, butterflies in your belly as you embark on new adventures, loss, laughter, and the typical rites of passage for our age. We prayed together, worshiped together and planned for the future together; but one day I was no longer enough. I couldn't explain it. I still can't explain it or the feeling of not being enough. This hurt shaped many years of my life afterwards. It shaped my choices, my plans, my self-esteem and made me question and mistrust. I spent years praying that God would fix this, many nights crying myself to sleep, many moments wishing I could forget, and many days trying to fix it myself. Yet it wasn't fixed and it seemed as though God would not answer. I prayed for a simple of day of closure like, today. I asked for just a simple greeting or friendly gesture or a sign that all the years we were friends meant something. Funny! I got an extravagant greeting and a lot grace, today, but it didn't really matter to me. I think it was more significant to my friend than me. Strange as I think about it. Many years ago, I had so much pinned on this moment and how exciting it would be and what a relief it would be. The incredible thing is that I am more excited about the Mars Bar I bought at Jenn's Sugarlicious! LOL!

In truth, as I drove home after this brief moment of exchange with my "friend", I asked God. Why now? I don't believe in accidents. I just don't--especially when it is something so important to us. If it matters to us, it matters all the more to God. I heard Him say, It took your 23 years to shape you!! What? I began a journey 41 years ago that involved a lesson I was to learn 23 years ago. This heart break made me who I am. I've sustained tougher moments than this in 23 years. I sustained other rejections, and this moment helped me to know I wouldn't break (even when it felt like I couldn't breathe). This moment made me all the more compassionate, all the more careful to not hurt other people. In the past five years, I have learned to really love Lisa. I have learned to be me whether it is enough or not. So, I cry too much. Oh well! It just means I feel things strongly. So, I get a little nervous and worry sometimes, I always pull though, and this means I care. I have learned to like who God made me to be. I've learned that I am unique and fearfully and wonderfully made.

When I got home I, of course, researched the number 23 in scripture and spent some time in the 23rd Psalm. All of these are things are to be pondered in my heart. I share a lot about myself, because I truly and comfortable in my skin as of late; however there are few things that belong to God and myself alone. These revelations, today, are among them. I will remember them forever.

But I do have to say, as I was finishing my meditating, I heard Laura Story's song, "Blessings". I understand it all the more for moments like this that break your heart, and I love it all the more, tonight! "What if my Greatest Disappointments or the Aching of this Life is the Revealing of a Greater Thirst this World Can't Satisfy." I ran to Jesus all those tear-filled days and painful nights at such an impressionable time in my life, and I fell in love with Him. I found Him to be faithful and good and kind and present!! I found Him to be more than enough!! I found that there wasn't anything we couldn't handle together. I found that He was the best friend anyone could ever have. Healing does come through tears sometimes...and sometimes you don't realize you have been healed until 23 years later!


When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near