Twenty Three Years...

It will be twenty three years in June. Wow! I am only semi-inspired to blog about it, but I choose to because I don't want to forget this exact moment. Twenty three years was the last time I saw a friend who I adored and who crushed my heart, and I was never really sure why. It was the deepest heart break I have sustained. I guess that makes me very fortuante. This friend and I journeyed through junoir high and high school together..and were practically inseparable. We experienced pimples, driver's ed, school dances, proms, student council, butterflies in your belly as you embark on new adventures, loss, laughter, and the typical rites of passage for our age. We prayed together, worshiped together and planned for the future together; but one day I was no longer enough. I couldn't explain it. I still can't explain it or the feeling of not being enough. This hurt shaped many years of my life afterwards. It shaped my choices, my plans, my self-esteem and made me question and mistrust. I spent years praying that God would fix this, many nights crying myself to sleep, many moments wishing I could forget, and many days trying to fix it myself. Yet it wasn't fixed and it seemed as though God would not answer. I prayed for a simple of day of closure like, today. I asked for just a simple greeting or friendly gesture or a sign that all the years we were friends meant something. Funny! I got an extravagant greeting and a lot grace, today, but it didn't really matter to me. I think it was more significant to my friend than me. Strange as I think about it. Many years ago, I had so much pinned on this moment and how exciting it would be and what a relief it would be. The incredible thing is that I am more excited about the Mars Bar I bought at Jenn's Sugarlicious! LOL!

In truth, as I drove home after this brief moment of exchange with my "friend", I asked God. Why now? I don't believe in accidents. I just don't--especially when it is something so important to us. If it matters to us, it matters all the more to God. I heard Him say, It took your 23 years to shape you!! What? I began a journey 41 years ago that involved a lesson I was to learn 23 years ago. This heart break made me who I am. I've sustained tougher moments than this in 23 years. I sustained other rejections, and this moment helped me to know I wouldn't break (even when it felt like I couldn't breathe). This moment made me all the more compassionate, all the more careful to not hurt other people. In the past five years, I have learned to really love Lisa. I have learned to be me whether it is enough or not. So, I cry too much. Oh well! It just means I feel things strongly. So, I get a little nervous and worry sometimes, I always pull though, and this means I care. I have learned to like who God made me to be. I've learned that I am unique and fearfully and wonderfully made.

When I got home I, of course, researched the number 23 in scripture and spent some time in the 23rd Psalm. All of these are things are to be pondered in my heart. I share a lot about myself, because I truly and comfortable in my skin as of late; however there are few things that belong to God and myself alone. These revelations, today, are among them. I will remember them forever.

But I do have to say, as I was finishing my meditating, I heard Laura Story's song, "Blessings". I understand it all the more for moments like this that break your heart, and I love it all the more, tonight! "What if my Greatest Disappointments or the Aching of this Life is the Revealing of a Greater Thirst this World Can't Satisfy." I ran to Jesus all those tear-filled days and painful nights at such an impressionable time in my life, and I fell in love with Him. I found Him to be faithful and good and kind and present!! I found Him to be more than enough!! I found that there wasn't anything we couldn't handle together. I found that He was the best friend anyone could ever have. Healing does come through tears sometimes...and sometimes you don't realize you have been healed until 23 years later!


When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

Showers of Blessings

I am up early this morning, which is not unusual as sleep seems to be somewhat of a chore for me, lately. My sweet grandson wanted to get up a little before 5:00 a.m.; however, he allowed me to persuade him otherwise. I was not so easily persuaded of my same message. LOL! In these moments when I can't sleep, I like to journal or blog and always talk with my Abba Father. He has never missed one of our meetings yet and always brings a hug to spare and some "out of this world" advice when I listen! 

This morning, I remember my Grandmother Pannell's sweet country voice singing "Count Your Blessings--Name them One by One---Count Your Blessings See What God Hath Done" and "There Shall Be Showers of Blessings". She wasn't an eloquent singer as she grew up in the mountains of N.C. There wasn't time for frivolities or fluff. You had to get right down to the essentials; and her singing reflected this same philosophy- but I loved it! I always knew she meant every word she sang to God with all heart. I also knew that at that moment He was really all that mattered to her, even though she would have walked through fire for any of us. He was her "All in All"! Ephesians 4:6. Though she was insignificant, I guess, by the world's standards, she was a tower house of faith to those who knew her. She still influences my life, today, and there is not a moment that my heart isn't pricked at the loss of her.

So, Grandma...I am counting my blessings this morning. It would take more ink and paper than this world could provide to complete them; but this is my meager initial listing as a record for posterity's sake and as a reminder to me of how faithful God has been to me at every stage of my life. In the moments when I thought my heart would shatter into a thousand pieces, in the moments when I thought it would burst with sheer joy, in the moments when I felt that I was alone in the dark with no one to rescue me and in the moments when I felt as if I could conquer the world myself...He was there. He will be there. He will never leave us. He will never forsake us (Deut. 31: 6).

1. I am super thankful, this morning, for Carter...Almost two years ago, I couldn't see how we would make this work in a way that would be good for him, for Tyler, for Erin for the Guffey's for us. I remember The Guffey/Montgomery family meeting. I remember the love we all had for each other and the strength we found from each other in that moment as we admitted we were vulnerable and we had no answers--as we admitted that we were in this together to see it through, quite honestly for the rest of our lives. We were taking this journey without answers, without seeing the future. We were taking it by faith and through God; and it has been so AWESOME! As I held our little peanut in my arms last night, my heart was filled with such love that it overflowed down my cheeks. I loved the smell of soap in his hair. I loved how his soft, little hands would brush my cheeks, twirl my hair or pinch at my chin. I love how his feet are never still...even when he sleeps. Having been here before with Tyler, Meleah, my nieces and my nephews, I was acutely aware of how fast this moment passes. So, I savored it. Though tired, I enjoyed every fleeting second. Thank you God for looking ahead in time and planning on Carter. Thank you most of all for loaning him to us for a little while, and may we honor you in directing him toward you in all we do and say.

2. I am thankful for my son, this morning. He will be working a double at the nursing home, again. He works very hard, and I don't think I could do his job. Between college, work, trying to continue to grow a relationship with the love of his life, Erin, and caring for Carter, it can be tough. I am proud of his strength, his work ethic and his focus! He isn't perfect, but that is what makes him great. He knows Who to turn to to help when he is weak. If we had instilled nothing further in him, having Tyler to know God...and I mean really know God would have been enough. I ask that you continue to provide Tyler and Erin with wisdom from You and give them hearts that desire You above all else.

3. I am thankful for my beautiful, spunky, more than slightly strong-willed daughter. She and her buddy are sleeping like rocks across the house from us at this moment. While I know they will not be gracing our presence for many more hours yet, I anxiously await their sleepy smiles and girlish giggles! I am proud to have worked with Jamie to raise a daughter that is so resolute and determined. She can push us to the boiling point sometimes, but down deep, I am always a little proud of her tenacity. Her heart will no doubt lead her into the health care profession; but she would have been an outstanding lawyer! Thank you God for giving me a daughter with a precious, tender heart and a strong, determined mind.

4. I am thankful for my husband. He is strong, yet kind. He is driven, yet his heart is easily moved. He has allowed me to draw strength from him when I was depleted. He has been my voice when I didn't have one. He has been the arms that held me when I needed no words. He is so predictable and steady! Sometimes this is annoying to someone who enjoys surprises and the spice of life, but it has proved to provide stability and security in our home---which is a priceless treasure. Even this morning, our alarm went off only moments after Carter had fallen back to sleep. We do not need an alarm on the weekend!!! But...alas, my husband is such a creature of habit, we got an alarm, this morning (by "we", I mean Carter and me. Poor Paw Paw got booted out of the bed...sorry Paw Paw). When it was resounding only a matter of 6 feet away from Carter...and MANY feet away from Jamie, I went into panic mode to get it to stop. For a moment, I felt a bit annoyed that he had it set it and wasn't in the room anyway; but then I recalled that this same predictability affords me the ability to NEVER set the thing through the work week when I do need it (providing I am not experiencing this ridiculous insomnia). In twenty two years, the only times I've ever set an alarm is when he and I have been apart; and this has been rare.  This little extra responsibility that he takes off my plate is nice! That in itself is a blessing! The good news is...Carter wasn't even phased. I am truly shocked! That alarm could wake the dead, but Carter slept through it. Of course, his Nina was on top of that alarm like white on rice. Lol! I am thankful for this, too!!

I could go on and on about my dogs, my family, the life experiences that I've been afforded, but as I said there isn't enough ink. or paper. or time. The impressive aspect of this moment is that I am actually getting sleepy. Thank you, Grandma for reminding to count my blessings! I think I'll sleep on them now!!

I'll Pick Up the Tab

It's been one of those intervals--the kind where you wonder if you can do anything right. It's like those fun kid rides at theme parks where you feel like you're moving at break neck speeds, but actually you're standing still and the room is moving around you. You still experience the nausea and the thrill, but you haven't advanced. The world has moved, but you have not-- even though you still feel pooped at the end of the ride.

We've all had those times where we tromp through hurt and frustration of some fashion or another. Sometimes it is persevering through the sting of someone's inconsideration. Sometimes it is when another person misrepresents us to paint themselves in a brighter light. Othertimes, it's when you get passed over and become the second choice. It's really hard in these seasons to extend grace. It is especially hard when you're hurt. Oftentimes, those of us who are fixers want to "fix it", make it right or provide an explanations. We may even want to even the score.

The good news is this: Intervals like seasons don't last forever, and for Believers like myself, we can afford to forgive and extend grace even when we ourselves are empty, hurt or even wronged--even when we are "Stuck in Moment We Can't Get Out of" as U2 says. The even better news is that we have someone bigger and stronger and wiser and more capable (all the and's were intended) to take care of us. He is more than capable of righting the wrongs in our life. He is more than capable of restoring and redeeming anything that we've lost or should belong to us. Our favor is in His hands, not in anyone else's...not even in our own hands. So, we run to Him, because He has plans to give us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11) "...Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68) "Whom have I in heaven but you. There is nothing on earth I desire beside you." (Psalm 75:25)

When you find yourself in a moment where you feel it necessary to defend yourself or to "fix IT", step back and reflect on what's to be gained? Is anyone else in charge of your favor? Your future? Your promotion? Is anyone else in charge of YOU? Is anyone in charge of any of this except God? This includes yourself and myself. Can I take care of me better than God? For the Christian, it always comes down to the question of faith. What do I believe? Who do I believe? Which report will I accept?

The world tell us that we must DO something. We must make it happen. We have to take care of ourselves or no one will. Well, for the Christian, this is not the case. In fact, to the degree that we do nothing in these situations is the degree we allow Him to handle it. It's the expression of our faith and our willingness to admit our vulnerability and His strength. It is our willingness or profess that we trust in His unfailing love. Doing nothing is doing everything. Jesus told Martha in all her laborings that Mary chose the better part, because Mary sat at Jesus' feet spending time with him rather than working to achieve something.  She allowed Him to "handle IT". He can handle our hurts, our short comings and our future with no problem. Afterall, if we can trust Him to be our righteousness, we can trust Him to be our everything else. The only thing we have been commanded to labor to do is to "labor to enter His rest" (Hebrews 4:11). So, even when we're weak or vulnerable we can still afford to extend grace, love and forgiveness that costs us something. We can allow another to go first while we go last, because the One Who loves us most will refill our tanks.  We can pick up the tab everytime! You can afford it! You'll find your account refilled everytime, and we can  "Let It Go" like Idina Menzel says.

As my sweet daddy used to say, "I have just preached myself happy, tonight, if no one else is." LOL! This is good advise tonight. I don't care who ya are!!