It was raining in Buffalo. It was dark. My GPS was not the most user friendly, and wouldn't you just know that two main roads that we needed for Chrissie and I to return to our hotel were blocked off. We were assured by the barricade of police officers that passage would not be possible. They rerouted us. We had no choice. Whatever our plans were, however strong our protest, it didn't matter. We were being rerouted. We were experiencing an unplanned change. Our GPS began shouting out commands. She was trying to help us. Unfortunately, we could not yield to her commands for us to turn around. There were several other inaccessible roads, so we had to continue against her wishes and much to her displeasure. She continued to bark, "Route recalculate"..."Route recalculate"..."Route recalculate". At one point, she seemed to be so disgusted with us that she literally threw a barrage of spaghetti lines on the map and refused to speak. It was any man's guess...a free for all at that point. We had to manage for a moment without her. We had to go with our gut and Chrissie's sense of direction.
It sort of reminded me of life. How many route recalculations have we had? Some by choice...some very much not our choice. Yet, route recalculate we must in this life. The past 11 months have been among the hardest I have ever experienced. Today is exactly 11 months since my dad died, and with each passing day I dread next month with all my soul, as it will be the year anniversary. I can still remember holding his hand and kissing him just a few hours prior. I remember how he looked at me with such love. I have had moments when I did not know who I was, this past year or where I belonged. I have had moments when I didn't recognize my family. I've had moments when I felt I could run and run and never stop. As we must, with any loss, people have to evolve, adapt and change a bit. This has been painful. I miss my life, and I desperately miss my daddy.
I had a moment this morning where I was 50/50 about staying home from work. I honestly didn't know if I had the stamina to leave my house and face the world or serve as I needed to, today. This is a rare moment for me, and I usually work through it pretty nicely. I needed my dad, today. I needed him to say everything will be okay with this upcoming surgery, that the "route recalculations" for my children are for the best, that Carter is going to be just fine, that the decisions I've made in regards to things the last few weeks will work out. I needed him to say, "We can handle this. We're gonna be okay." I needed to be his little girl again. I DO NOT want this route recalculation. I change my mind. I want to go through the barricade in spite of who's blocking it. I want to refuse to comply. I want to say, NO! But we don't get that choice. Do we?
I hauled myself into the car where I had another route recalculation. I left a little earlier than usual and was in deep thought...when surprise! I had made a wrong turn. Route recalculate! It was then that I began to think about my life and all the route recalculations that were for the good. The drive from Lincolnton to Mt. Holly Middle School is special to me. On this trip, I get to relive highlights of my life. I pass the place where I had my first school bus ride at Ida Rankin. I pass the place where I first found out I would have the baby sister that I had prayed for at naptime on that Ida Rankin floor. I pass the place where I received my first kiss and my first piece of jewelry from a guy who was my first love. I pass the graveyard where I used to go and study and complete my undergrad assignments, because it was quiet and I could think. Oh the solo picnics and silent prayers that I have had there! I wouldn't trade them for anything. I pass the laundromat where Mom, Grandma and I had to go one Saturday, because our washing machine was broken. I hated it! I still hate laundromats. I vowed that I would never go to one when I grew up. It seemed so dirty. Route recalculate! I went to one by choice only two weeks ago in order to wash some comforters. Isn't life funny! I pass the place where Mom used to take my brother and me for apple pie a la mode on our way to school in the morning (yes...on occasion this was the breakfast of champions). It was such a special memory. I pass the place where I discovered Mom had cancer, and the place where she fought to win against it. I pass the place where my Grandma would hold my hand and safely walk me across the street as we bought our first pack of Budding Ham for our own special picnic. I pass the place where I had my first of many beautiful Barbies and showed it to my less than impressed Grandpa as we sat in chairs on his lawn. I pass the place where I was Wonder Woman or the Bionic Woman and by brother and I would save the world in our makeshift capes and pretend lassos of truth! I pass the place where on Sunday night services that lasted a little long, my dad would scoop me up in his arms and carry me home as my sleepy eyes opened and shut looking at the stars and at the strong contour of his jaw. I pass the place where I have felt the safest in my life...in my daddy's strong arms. I pass the church where as a 12 year old girl, I was baptised--where I stood with tears streaming as I was enveloped in a love like I had never known---a love that has never forsaken me. A love that still covers me, pursues me and sustains me. I pass many route recalculations on this short drive. There have so many changes along the road of my life. Some so beautiful that they make the tapestry of my life glow with pristine radiance. Some so hurtful that they have cut me to the core and I wondered if I could recover, but this one thing I know. At every route recalculation, I have had friend who has never left me. I have had someone who has helped absorb the shocking blows and who has multiplied my joy in such gracious ways! I am grateful tonight for Him. I am still navigating this route recalculation without my dad, but I am assured of this: And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28
I was listening to the following song this morning and when it gets to the part "over us" (You reign over us), I can almost feel my Abba Father holding me. Yes...the place where I can feel the safest is in my Daddy's arms!"
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